How to stop judging others for their money choices

Could it be just envy lurking beneath?

In March, I attended one of the wedding receptions of an extremely wealthy individual (he had quite a few across venues in two cities). On the wedding invitation, it was specifically stated that only blessings would be accepted, no gifts.

Clearly, the family spent a fortune on this celebration, and they could afford it.

To which a friend commented that he is not really surprised about such extravagance after seeing the ostentatious pre-wedding celebrations of Mukesh Ambani’s son.

The point of this article is not about expensive weddings. It is about how we think about them money being splurged.

A lot of people really do get upset at the “disgusting amount of money people spent on weddings”.

But what really is disgusting?

• The opulence?

• The fact that they can afford such an extravaganza with no debt?

• That they choose to flaunt their money?

If yes, why does it irk people? Their money, their ambitions, their lifestyle. Who are we to decide how people must spend their wealth?

Let me try to put this across as objectively as possible to enable us to improve our relationship with money.

Admit to the hypocrisy.

There are many individuals or families that are much lower down the economic strata, from where we are positioned. How would we like it if they judged us on the amount of money we waste on Swiggy? Or why we feel the need to eat in a slick restaurant and rake up bills in cafes and coffee shops. And the need to buy expensive crockery when a simple dinner set will do the job.

Most of us would react unpleasantly if someone dared to comment on it. After all, it is our money and we get to choose the lifestyle it will support.

Yet, we have no qualms on meting out the same judgement to others who are above our social standing, or those who are from the same economic class as us, but choose to be more extravagant.

Reserve the Judgement.

When billionaire Mark Cuban bought a private jet for $40 million, he was clear on why he desired it. He has always said that the asset he values most is time, and that purchase bought him time. “It is obviously brutally expensive, but time is the one asset we simply don’t own. It saves me hours and hours,” Cuban once said in an interview with Men’s Journal. To him, the most important things in life are family and time. And buying the jet enabled him to spend more time with family. Added to the fact that $40 million is a small percentage of his net worth, it seems perfectly reasonable.  

All of us save money for a purpose. Money is not hoarded for the sake of it, but for what it can buy for us. It could be status or opulence or lifestyle or convenience.

Basketball player LeBron James is said to be the first active NBA (National Basketball Association) player to become a billionaire. He is a smart business owner (Warren Buffett has publicly complimented him on his “money mind”.)

According to an article in The Ringer, he spends a minimum $1.5 million a year keeping his body in top form, investing in nuanced health-promoting practices like cryotherapy and hyperbaric chambers. The player’s personal chefs and trainers help him adhere to a strict diet and routine.

So it was with great amusement I read about how he was called the “cheapest guy in the NBA” because he refused to switch on data roaming on his cell phone and use it without Wi-Fi.  

What I admire is not whether he is cheap or stingy or extravagant. But the fact that he knows exactly where he wants to spend his money and how he wants to feel about it. His desire is to achieve peak physical fitness and, therefore, his life and finances are architected around it. That clarity is powerful.

So here’s what I want you to takeaway.

The way we spend and manage our money is individualistic. It is shaped by our experiences, upbringing, emotions, how we view society, and our religious beliefs.

We may feel absolutely no guilt at buying a bag that sets us back by many thousands, but we will hold back from replacing the worn-out upholstery at home. We may enjoy blowing up money at a restaurant and running a gigantic bill, but will not pay more than 5% as a restaurant tip, however great the service is.

Our relationship with money is complex and emotional and gets manifested in various ways. So instead of expending energy judging others, decide what YOU want YOUR money to do for you.

There is no right and wrong.
There is no good and bad.
There is no normal and absurd.

Getting clear about what really matters to you is incredibly important, and not as simple as it appears. Don’t follow the desires of another. What makes them feel rich and fulfilled is not the same for you. You may love to spend on one extravagant holiday every 18 months. Another may prefer two short breaks in a year. A third may not be interested in travelling at all. Some may get immense fulfilment from helping others. Others may prefer living it up every weekend.

Someone else’s pleasures and material items may not bring you happiness. What fulfils them may not be your cup of tea. Go after your heart. The judgement on others will be less and your fulfilment in your own life will be more.

Be true to yourself and honest about what you really desire from your money and your life.

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A version of this writing appeared in my behavioural finance column in Outlook Money

Thanks for reading Money Mindset Mastery.